The REAL Wind Waker
by jalm
Summary: Many years has passed since the Hero of Taking Too Much Time sealed away the Naughty Sorceress. Now, a young boy must stand against a very naughty evil thought to be sealed forever. This CAN'T be good. A very strange Wind Waker Parody. Enjoy.
1. Prologue

The REAL Wind Waker

Author's Notes: This is a parody of Wind Waker. It crosses over a lot to the Kingdom of Loathing, a text-based humour MMORPG. Play it at . I don't own Nintendo, Kingdom of loathing, or the Zelda franchise. I really expect to be flamed for adding a certain weapon, but it IS a parody. If you do flame about that, I probably won't listen. I WILL however listen to constructive flames.

Prologue: The Fall of a Kingdom, the Rise of a Hero.

This is but one of the legends which the people speak... Long ago, there existed a kingdom. Like all kingdoms, this one contained some golden power everyone wanted. It was a prosperous land, with many trees, tall mountains, and peace. But one day, a naughty sorceress, named the Naughty Sorceress (Up to you to decide what I mean by naughty) found the golden power and demanded it be given to her. They said "No", but she took the power anyway, because that's how evil she is! She kidnapped the King, and darkness spread over the land. Evil monsters came out of their hidey-holes to terrorize the citizens, and bigger evil monsters came out of their hidey-holes to terrorize THOSE monsters, which were terrorized by the Sorceress. But one day, when it seemed all hope was lost, out of the blue, a hero garbed in green came to defeat the sorceress! When he approached to tell the Council of his plans, they told him, "Okay, but take your time. Seriously, there's no rush." And rush he didn't. He waited many years before he decided, "Okay, I'm going now!". Wielding the ridiculously huge sword of Naughty Sorceress's bane, along with the help of Nava, the blood-sucking mosquito, and Ian, the turtle, he sealed away the naughty one and gave light back to the land. He was also helped by the other 5 Legendary Heroes: the intimidating Seal Clubber, the charming Accordion Thief, the sneaky Disco Bandit, the uber-powerful Pastamancer and the mysterious Sauceror. The boy was a Turtle Tamer, as green as the clothes he wore. This boy, who took many years to complete his quest which he could've done in 3 minutes, was thus called the Hero of Taking Too Much Time, shortened to the Hero of Time. The boy's tale was passed down through generations until it became legend...But then... a day came when a fell wind fell on the land. The great evil that was thought to be sealed away came back to continue it's reign of darkness. The people thought that the Hero of Taking Too Much Time would return to save them, but he didn't return. He was probably slacking off in Termina. Faced with an onslaught of evil, the people could do nothing but appeal to the gods. In their last hours, as doom drew nigh, they left their future in the hands of fate. What became of that kingdom? None remained who knew. The memory of the kingdom vanished, but its legend survived on the wind's breath. On a certain island, it became customary to garb boys in green when they came of age. Clothed in the green of fields, they aspired to find ridiculously huge blades and cast down evil. The elders wished only for the youths to know courage like the hero...

Outset Island

"Big brother!" came the rather annoying voice of his sister, Aryll. "Pick up your carcass and go see grandma! NOW!" She picked Link up and threw him off the tower before he even realized what she was saying. Link splashed into the water below the tower and quickly rose to the surface. He got to the shore and then yelled, "What the hell was that for! I could've drowned!" "No one would've missed you!" came back her reply, "Now go see grandma before I beat you to death with my telescope!". Link didn't like to admit it, but his sister bullied him. He wondered how she became so intimidating and mean, well, only to him. To everyone else, she was Link's sweet sister. He didn't dare tell anyone. He remembered this one time where he was about to tell his grandma about where he got a nasty bruise on the back of his head, but his sister drew a knife whenever his grandma wasn't looking. He really didn't want to take his chances.

The walk to his house was uneventful. That is, if every movement he made was being watched by his sister is uneventful. Link entered and was greeted by his grandma. "I've been waiting for you, Link. Here you are Link. Try these on. No, try them on right here. It doesn't matter if I'm looking. No, I'm not going to let you go without me looking. I want to see. Stop trying to hide Link. Want me to put them on for you? No? Come on... Here, let me just-" Aryll abruptly entered the room and Grandma stopped what she was doing. "Hurry up. Put on the clothes and get out here." She slammed the door and Grandma looked down. "Fine. There's no arguing with your sister. I'll just be over here..." She walked away into the kitchen. Link sighed relief, and put on the clothes. Grandma came out of the kitchen and quickly (okay fine, slowly) explained about the hero of legend wearing clothes like these, and she ranted that they should've been more revealing. Before she could say anything about peace, Link simply said, "I'm going to find Aryll. Goodbye." and slammed the door behind him. He would much rather be killed painfully and quickly then extremely slowly and almost painless.

He came on top of the tower and met Aryll at the top. "Okay. I know I've done many bad things to you in the past, but I'm trying to change." Was Link's ears deceiving him? He suddenly paid extra attention. "To start, I want you to have my telescope." No. Way. This was too good to be true. His sister suddenly regretting spreading pain? He became suspicious and asked, "What's the catch?" Aryll thought for a moment and said, "You'll see soon enough. Now here." she said and passed him the telescope. It had the same ferocity as it always did, and Link took the telescope silently, trying to think things over. This was the first nice thing she had ever done. He remembered her early words and said, "Thanks." Wow. That was one word he NEVER expected to say to her. She pointed off the tower and said "Let's try it out. Are you looking at the postbox? Are you using the C-Stick to zoom? Is that the postman?...You don't see that everyday. Look up in the sky." Link did what she said and dropped the telescope in shock. A giant bird carrying a girl was being under attack by pirates!

"That's animal cruelty!" Link yelled, and the bird was hit by one of the stones, dropping the girl into The Spooky Forest. "We've gotta stop them!" "No. We've gotta save the girl." "I don't think that's a good idea..." Link said, looking into the telescope to the pirate ship. "She might be in with those pirates. They just might pillage here next. Sorry, but if you want to save her do it yourself."

Link was about to climb down the stairs when he heard the soft click of a loaded shotgun. "I didn't think I made myself clear. Save. NOW!" She then slammed the butt of the gun into Link's back, throwing him off the tower. Again. "But I don't have anything to protect my-" He stopped abruptly when he fell onto the wooden deck, instead of the water. Ow.

After 5 minutes of groaning in pain, Aryll sighed and told him that if he didn't move, she was going to drown him herself. Miraculously, he suddenly healed. "But what am I going to use for a weapon? Can I have the shotgun?" Link said, pointing to it. "Find one. How do you think I got this?" Aryll replied, holding up the shotgun. Link sighed, and after 3 hours of looking for a weapon (he wondered why the pirates just didn't get the girl themselves) he reached Orca's house. He went inside, and looked at all the weapons. This could be a breeze with this stuff! He saw Orca ram himself into the wall. What was he doing? Trying to break it? That shouldn't be a problem with the stuff he had. He looked around and picked up a RPG-29 Rocket Launcher. He loaded a rocket inside and said, "Orca, move." Orca just turned and saw a rocket coming his way! Using l33t-Fu moves, he stopped the missile and reflected it back at Link. "Oh boy." Link said out loud.

After 3 weeks of nursing wounds, Link was finally ready to save the girl. "It's a wonder you're still alive." Orca commented. Even Aryll was slightly impressed. Or it could've been that she now had to think of more grueling ways to torture him. "Okay, before you can save that girl, I need to teach you the way of the blade." Orca said, passing Link a Hero's Sword. "Why can't you just give me the Hero's Gun?" Link said, pointing to a futuristic gun on the other side of the room. "Not after last time. Now, first press the B button to slash me! Wrong! Press the B button! Wrong! JUST press the B button! WRONG! Take your fingers off the L-target and just press the B-Button! ...That's it! Take this! I will not stop smacking you around until you perform a Horizontal Slash!" Orca screamed at him, bashing him in the nose. "Oh! A HORIZONTAL slash? Why didn't you just say so?" Link said. "WRONG! THAT'S A ING VERTICAL SLASH! YOU'RE SUCH A ING IDIOT!" Whoa. Link NEVER heard Orca swear before. He must be doing really good!

This went on for about 3 hours until Link performed a horizontal slash simply out of exhaustion. By the way Orca screamed, he was surprised he didn't lose his voice. He tried too hard to praise his students. "THANK GOD! FINALLY! OKAY, PERFORM A VERTICAL SLASH WITH L-TARGET AND B BUTTON! THAT'S A HORIZONTAL SLASH! VERTICAL! NO!" At least he calmed down a bit.

(Many hours of fighting later) "Finally...Here...Take it...And-" Orca fell over and collapsed. Link was so tired he really didn't care. He walked out and went to the Spooky Forest. He entered, and a fluffy bunny popped out!

Suddenly, all of Link's exhaustion went away and he sprung into action. This is one of the cute, fluffy bunnies that populate the spooky forest. Link wasn't entirely sure why it was called the "Spooky Forest" because he never imagined any spooky circumstances coming about because of these things. Nonetheless, it was probably safer to destroy it. It had the element of surprise, so it striked first. The bunny hopped towards Link. He jumped backwards, but tripped on his own feet, fell down and hit his head on a rock. Ow. After a quick recovery, he slapped the fluffy bunny on the forehead with the flat of his blade producing a very satisfying _thwap_ sound. It fell over and died, producing a few rupees.

Link continued deeper and stopped when he saw two large birds carrying two imp...things and dropping them. Was he going to have to save them too? Probably not, because they took up an offensive stance and attacked! Link was ready this time, and grabbed the closest attacker and headbutted it. He was dazed for a few moments, and that gave the other enemy an opening. He did a roundhouse kick, but Link realized what was happening, dodged, and sliced off it's foot. It fell on the ground in pain. The other attacker was on the floor too, but he got up. It poked him with his horns. Or it could be his pointy ears. Either way, he was being poked. Ow. They were pointy. Link shook it off and slashed at him, killing him. He erupted into smoke, leaving the wounded imp and Link.

"Please!" the imp sobbed, "I have a family to feed! I have a wife! I have kids! I swear on my grandfather and all of the other W Imps that I won't bother you ever again!" Link thought for a moment, and before he could say anything, the W Imp fell over, dead. At least he knew what species it was. And the amount of rupees he would get for this. There were a few species of imps he knew. The dreaded P Imp and the pitiful but dangerous L Imp, but never a W Imp. From what he heard, these W Imps were probably much weaker than the others. The girl who was dropped from the bird killed it without making any noise. "Wow. What's with the get-up? Where am I? Oh yeah! The bird got me and ...Wait.." She took out a money bag and counted the rupees inside. He decided it would be good to look at his own spoils and looked for his money bag. He looked up. She took his money bag! "Hey! That's my money!" She passed the bag to him and winked, saying, "Gotcha. Okay, now where am I-"

A pirate popped out and yelled, "Miss Tetra! Miss Tetra!" He ran over and said, "Good! You're safe! We all thought you were dead, so we just left you up here for three.." He stopped and looked down. She wasn't going to be pleased about hearing that her pirate crew left her for dead for three weeks. "So anyway, we just pillaged boats surrounding the island. Come on, let's get you out of this here. And who are you?" He pointed at Link. "Forget him. Let's go!" What was presumably Miss Tetra ran off with the pirate. He wondered why, then looked down and saw that she stole his money bag! Again! He ran after them and left the Spooky Forest.

He ran out of the forest and met up with the two pirates. "Hey-" Link began, but he saw Aryll across the bridge leading to the forest. If she saw he had money, she would probably mug him. She waved at them, flashing an innocent smile and trying to hide the shotgun. Probably trying to make a good first impression on the pirates. Link looked away and saw the giant bird coming back! Aryll was already one step ahead of him. She drew the shotgun and fired off her first shot. The bullets bounced off the bird's helmet, doing nothing. She pulled out a hunting rifle and fired, but it had the same effect. Finally, she pulled out a rocket launcher (Link was beginning to wonder where she kept all these weapons) but never got a chance to fire at. The bird snatched her and carried her off. Link smiled and cried tears of joy. Aryll was finally gone! As he looked up, he gasped and saw Aryll's glaring, angry face in the distance, she opened her hand, and inside was Link's most prized possession. His life's savings. The day was going from bad to worse. "No!" He screamed and ran after the bird, and was about to jump off, but he was grabbed on the shoulder by the pirate girl. "She's gone." she said softly, "Get a hold of yourself. There's nothing you can do." She probably only said that so she could steal the rest of his rupees, but Link didn't notice it at the time.

Link, Tetra, and who he learned was Gonzo the pirate, walked down the mountain. Link couldn't believe it. That money bag had a fortune, 30 000 rupees in which he was going to use to BUY Outset Island. He forgot how he made that much money. The economy was really messed up. If Aryll had her hands on funds like those, she could purchase her own personal army. Link shuddered uncontrollably while they walked. Then, she could begin an ocean-wide campaign to bring the Great Sea to it's knees with an iron fist, spreading her evil dictatorship influence all over the world. The world would be destroyed! Not if Link could stop it. "I want to come with you." Link said finally. The three just stopped, and Tetra looked at him. "Do you know what you're asking?" She said, much more forcefully then last time. She must've realized he had no more money. "We're pirates. The terror of the seas. It's really sweet you want to save your sister, but it doesn't benefit us. Maybe except for a few laughs when you die anyway."

Suddenly, a large figure flew in and said, "And how do you figure that?" It was Quill, the Rito postman. The Ritos were a strange race. They were an avian race, with arms able to transform to wings and back. Tetra raised an eyebrow, and began to speak more softly. Link looked carefully at her hands. They were behind her back. "Are you saying there is treasure there?" Quill quickly replied, "Please! All I mean to say is that if you big, bad pirates hadn't come to this island, Aryll wouldn't have been taken by that bird." Tetra crossed her arms, and Link realized she had a bag in her hands. Quill's Delivery Bag! "How the hell did you-" Link began, but Quill interrupted and told him to let him finish explaining. Link never knew how she was able to do that. And he'll probably die without knowing. "Anyway, there is a rumour that young girls with pointed ears like you have been taken to the Not Really Forsaken Fortress, never to be seen again." Tetra dropped the bag and gasped in shock. It was probably genuine, because she started...twitching after. "The bird mistook the girl for you, and grabbed her instead. Thus, you owe Link a favour. Also, he saved you from the horrible fluffy bunnies of the Spooky Forest." Link looked down, embarrassed. It sounded rather cowardly coming from Quill's mouth. "I could've handled myself..." Tetra finally said, but so quiet, Link couldn't hear her at first. "And going to the Not Really Forsaken Fortress could result in a fate worse than death! It's not brave! It's stupid!" Tetra said, finally bringing her confident voice up. "Anyway, find some more protection before we shift off. If we're going to help you, let's make it a success." Link nodded, and ran off.

When she said "protection", Link thought that she meant heavier weapons. He stopped by Orca's house, and after a quick explanation, Orca let him take some firearms, but he wouldn't explain how to use them after last time. He must have spent 30 minutes there, debating with Orca what the best weapon choices were. After a very heated argument, they agreed that he should be limited to three weapons for maximum agility and firepower. He already had a close-ranged sword in case he ran out of ammo (Link considered himself trigger-happy), so he took a Hunting Rifle (Link wanted a M82 Barrett but Orca said it would take too long to set up) and a Desert Eagle for close range. He debated he wanted an AK-47 for medium range, but he could barely fire and hold the thing. He stuffed his pack full of grenades and ammo and left. He did forget one thing though: How the hell did Orca get this kind of weaponry?

When he went back to Tetra, she kind of stared at him for a moment, before telling him she meant a shield, not bigger weapons. He told her he couldn't carry anymore stuff, but she told him to figure it out himself. After a very long time, he finally sighed and dropped the hunting rifle and the ammo. He would never get rid of the Desert Eagle though. He knew exactly where to get a shield. He went home, and climbed to the top of the house. The family shield was gone! He climbed down the stairs to just leave and debate with Tetra that firearms were better, but he was stopped by his grandma. "...Is this what you're looking for?" Grandma said. Link looked down. Oh boy. Now he was going to have to explain that he was leaving, he nearly killed Orca, and that his sister was going to start an evil campaign to enslave the Great Sea. "...Take it with you." she said, and gave it to him. Wow. That was easier than he thought. "So it is true then? Aryll has been kidnapped...Hasn't she?" Link left her alone to sob. He wasn't exactly good at comforting.

Link finally went back to Tetra, and after being caught trying to sneak an AK-47 on board and searched several times, went on board the pirate ship. The townspeople gathered together to wave off Link goodbye. Link sighed. It may be the last time he saw them, he thought, as he waved. The pirate ship set off, opening it's sails and the townspeople saying things like, "Good Luck!", or "Don't forget to write!", or "Give me back my Desert Eagle or I'll gut you!". The island almost disappeared into the horizon, until Link's Grandma popped out to give a final wave. "How long is this gonna take?" Tetra said, sitting next to Link. "We could just turn back. Give up. There's still time." Link shook his head. If he failed, everything he knew would be destroyed. He had no doubts that Aryll would easily be able to escape her prison, or where ever they put her.

Link looked away and looked at the shield. "This is a picture of the Septforce." he remembered his grandma explaining. It was a septagon with 7 smaller septagons inside the larger one. He remembered something like this from some video game, but he quickly thought about the rest of the explanation. "There was Six Heroes, representing each of the septagons. However, there was one Great Evil, represented by the top septagon, greater than the other six." She pointed to the highest of the seven. "The goddesses blessed 7 children with powers. Each goddess bore a virtue. The turtle goddess was Patience. The seal was Courage. The bird, Honesty. The tree, Hope. The snake, Faith. The fish, Fortune. However, the Vile One was Destiny. One day, the Evil One attempted to shift the power and try to take the world her own. However, under the Turtle Hero, the six Heroes united, and banished the evil one. The Evil One was not dead though. She was just starting. The six left the kingdom, and the Evil One took the throne." She had to end the story abruptly, though. He never knew if the story had a happy ending. "Link! Go in the hold. We're pirates, so we can't let you work on deck. You'll make us appear less ferocious." He wondered if his own story was going to have a happy ending as he entered the hold of the ship.


	2. Chapter 1

The REAL Wind Waker

Author's Notes: Yup. It's Jalm. Sorry that it took so long to update. It took long because, as you'll notice, my fanfics are abnormally big. 3000 words a chapter. Ouch. This one has 4000. I'll try to cut down on size so I can update more. Notice the parodies. I'll put a list of what they parody at the bottom to avoid spoilers. I had to cut a few parts for fear of getting an M-rating. They weren't jokes. I actually never played Final Fantasy VII. I don't have a PS2. I did play a few other games based on FFVII. (Kingdom Hearts, fan-based games, blah blah.)

Evil Riggs- Yeah. In all of the fanfics I wrote, that was the one criticism I kept getting. I really don't know how to paragraph my fanfics. Mind giving me some advice on HOW?

Chapter 1: A Very Naughty Fortress

Link awakened to the constant rocking of the ship. 2 days on this hellhole. Link was seasick, sick of the food, and sick from something he must have caught from Nikko. He climbed out of the cabin and looked around. It was midday and everyone was running around. It was much busier than normal, and Link noticed a few more people than normal. They were probably stowaways, but they had weapons, so they could also be mercenaries, henchman, or other pirates. Then again, a lot of the pirates onboard Tetra's ship were cowards and didn't have weapons. Minus the catapult, but there was only one. What were they going to use with ONE catapult? Battle other pirates? They probably didn't notice, but other pirates had cannons in quantities, which is much more deadlier. He did remember Gonzo explaining that it was better for the environment or something.

"Hey!" said Tetra as she ran up to him. "You've overslept again! Whatever! While you were sleeping, we picked up a few people." She nodded to various people, then turned back to him. "Anyways, every month we pirates host a Grand Fighting Tournament. We hold bets and make money...The fights are NOT RIGGED! ...Anyways, why don't you join? You could los- I mean win and make some cash for yourself. The grand prize is 5000 rupees. It's downstairs, and if you're wondering why we fight on a ship instead of land where people can concentrate and not get seasickness, these people want to go to an island near the 'Destination'." Link considered this for a moment, then asked, "Will my fights be rigged?" Tetra shot him a very evil look, "Rig fights? Why would we do that? This is all for fun!" Tetra said, a little too loud. A few people glanced at her, then continued with their own conversations. She continued to stare at him, then left. Link shrugged, and went into the hold.

Link climbed down the stairs and saw a large circle of assorted people. He managed to get a look inside the circle, and saw 2 competitors fighting with weapons. He couldn't get a good look at them, as a person stepped in his view. He tried to get another look inside the circle, but he suddenly heard someone shout "Winner!" The croud cheered, and he finally managed to get a look inside the middle of the circle. He looked inside, and he saw a boy his age with incredibly spiky hair carrying a ridiculously huge sword striking a victory pose. The other competitor was on the floor, bleeding, with various cuts, and wasn't moving.

He gasped, and then heard a voice say, "Did I also mention that there are 'accidents' often?" He turned to see Tetra. "People can die here. These are fights until someone gets knocked out, but it's not uncommon for a complete killing. Watch your back, or your adventure can end here." She walked off, and Link turned back to the circle and heard the commentator's shouts above the crowds. "The mighty Protagonist is the winner! Though he is young, he is one of the greatest fighters in all of the Great Sea! Do we have a new challenger?" Link waited for someone to stand up to the young fighter, but he was just pushed. He took a step forward and staggered, and continued to wait to see who was up against Protagonist. "Looks like we have a new challenger!" He heard the commentator say, and looked around. Where was the new challenger? "What's your name, son?" the rather short commentator said as he came up to him. "Link. Why?" "Alright! It is Protagonist the defender versus Link! Place your bets please! 5 minute break!" Link froze there, and realized HE was the one fighting the boy. He smacked himself in the head, and the boy walked up to him. "If you want to live, I suggest you back down." _Oooh_. Link thought. The boy was cocky, and he wanted to kill him! What a perfect pair. "...This...This isn't to the death, is it?" Link asked, hoping he only sounded inquisitive, and not terrified. His life was never in danger before: the imps he fought back at the Spooky Forest were demons and would probably just steal his soul or something. His life was never in danger though! Protagonist just laughed at him, then turned his back on him and went to a corner, probably to put on some kind of hair product to help it grow that much. Link fumed, but calmed himself down and sat in another corner, opposite him.

After 5 minutes, the commentator announced the battle was about to begin. "Okay guys." The commentator explained. "Keep it clean. No cheap shots, try avoid killing each other. We're running out of fighters. Okay! 3! 2! 1! Fight!" Link drew his sword and shield, waiting for Protagonist to attack. He did. Protagonist jumped at Link, attempting to slash at him, but he fell over from the weight of his hairstyle, muttering something about too much gel. Link took advantage of his fall, and kicked him in the hamstrings when he was down. Mmm...Ham...And Mmm...Strings... Protagonist yelled in pain, then jumped to his feet. Link tried to slash at Protagonist, but he dodged, and a rather convenient "Miss" message appeared from seemingly nowhere. Protagonist regained his footing, and headbutted Link, impaling his arm with his spiky hair. Link flinched, staggered, and rolled to a corner. Protagonist laughed, held out his sword and concentrated. Swirling lights surrounded him, which began a minute-and-a-half long light show. Just as Link was about to fall asleep, the attack finally met him. Link yelled in pain, and fell to the floor. The enemy then ran over and hit Link with a sword twice the size (and about the same sharpness) as a cricket bat. It might as well have been a club. Protagonist then retreated into a corner and had a moment's reprieve.

_...What's this guy's weakness?_ Link thought, trying to get up. He looked down to see if there's blood, but instead, he saw an answer. The Desert Eagle. He didn't want to waste ammo, but he had to do something. Link drew it, and dodged a blow from the enemy. He loaded a clip halfway in his dodge, backflipped and fired off two shots in slow motion. It was very dramatic. The first one missed, the second shot hit Protagonist's leg. Protagonist fell to the floor, and Link held the gun to his head.

The crowd cheered, chanting, "Finish him! Finish him! Finish him!". Link thought for a moment, then holstered the gun.

The crowd booed, and Link said, to look bad, "You're not worth killing. Now, leave." Protagonist silently limped away, then fell over. A small group of people came to help him up and take him away.

"Winner! Do we have any new challengers!?!?" No one came up. "Here's the prize, because everyone else is a coward and no one will dare face a 12-year old boy!...Oh come on! NO CHALLENGERS!?!?!?...Fine. Here's the grand prize of 5000 rupees and, as a gift, a Spoils Bag for holding the rewards of enemies! Look! Protagonist left some stuff you can take." He looked down, and saw Protagonist's belongings. He saw the ridiculously huge and dull sword, his money bag, a Ridiculously Super Mega Ultimate X-Treme hair gel and what appeared to be a few shining feathers. He kicked the hair gel away picked up the money bag and the feather. It didn't seem useful, so he dropped one of the feathers, but he suddenly felt rejuvinated. The feather was gone. Link smiled, and kept the rest in his pack. A healing item. How nice. He looked in the money bag. He dropped it in surprise. Why the hell was there fish gills in the money bag?

Lastly, the ridiculously huge sword. He could barely carry the thing, and he had no place to put it, so he threw it behind his back, and heard a large 'crack'. He turned around to see water spewing out of the hole the sword made! The ship was sinking! The crowd panicked, screamed and ran around in circles, and a few people came to patch it up, but the hole was growing larger and became too big to fix. The workers ran with the crowd, and water began to fill the ship. People rushed past Link, and Link knew if he stayed there, he would drown. He looked to the stairs, and saw a large mob there. He ran towards it, but accidentally knocked over a lamp against a wall. Great. The ship was burning AND sinking. The stairs started to burn, scatter the mob there and burn a few others, who fell into the water, and were put out to go burn themselves again. Fire, water and corpses surrounded Link. He had to get out of there. Link continued to run towards the stairs, and the water was now waist-high. He reached it, but the stairs were on fire. Link took off his cap and filled it with water. He then desperately tried to put out the flames, but it wouldn't be put out. The water became chest-high, and the fires were finally put out. Unfortunately, the stairs weren't there anymore. He tried to reach the top of the stairs, but just waited until the water was high enough. He climbed on top of the deck, and saw the fire spread. It was night, and Link could see the Not-Really Forsaken Fortress in the distance. So close... He looked for a way to get off the burning and sinking ship. There was water under him. There was fire surrounding him. He couldn't die here. Smoke choked him, and he fell to his knees, gasping for air. His vision blurred and his life flashed. The time when his sister hanged him upside down for 6 hours when he was 6. When Quill gave him a shiny blue sapphire necklace for his 10th birthday (saying he could give it to a girl and 'get lucky') which Aryll promptly stole. When he found a rifle in Orca's house where he accidentally shot himself in the leg when he was 11.

Link fell to the floor, and was about to lose consiousness, but then heard somone cry out, "Waterga!" "Curaga!". The fires were put out, and he suddenly felt rejuvinated. He got up to see a rather assorted group of people standing behind Protagonist. "Black Mage, White Mage, check in the hold if there are survivors." Protagonist walked up to Link, then held out his hand. "Put 'er there." He took his hand and got up, but then Protagonist shook his head then said, "I meant my wallet." Link looked inside his pack and gave it to him.

"Link!" He turned to see a very angry Tetra walking towards him. She smacked Link across the face and Link fell to the floor from the blow. "Why the hell are you guys just standing here? You put out the fires, but the ship is still sinking!" Link got up and looked down.

"Where is everyone?" Link asked, hoping it wasn't what he thought.

"They jumped overboard, or they're dead." Too late.

"Now, we gotta get off this ship or plug all the holes!" Protagonist shook his head, then said,

"I'm pretty sure my party members can handle it." The other people behind him looked down, then one wielding something that looked like a gun, but it had a blade as a gunbarrel, said,

"We don't know any spells or summons or anything to plug holes on a sinking ship." Everyone turned to Link for an answer. What were they going to do? He looked back into the hold and saw the water was high and that the two mages were trying to figure something out.

Link thought for a moment, then shouted, "EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD FOR THEMSELVES!!!" They all began to run around, desperately trying to get off the ship. Link looked around, then saw what he needed. The catapult. He could catapult himself onto the Not-Really Forsaken Fortress!

Good plan. It didn't work.

The Not-Really Forsaken Fortress

A few seconds later, Link found himself flying through the air, coming straight for a wall! He was going to break his neck! He closed his eyes, and clenched his teeth until a few of them broke on the wall's hard stone. He fell to the floor from the wall and and spit out some blood and teeth. At least he was alive. He looked around and saw he was on a dock. There were a few searchlights, a few guards, and a few hours to sneak past them all. He looked in his pack for some paper and a pen to make a plan. His first thought was to run through everything guns and swords ablazing. That wasn't smart. His gun had only around 50 clips. He needed about 20 to PROPERLY kill something. He could, however just slash everything up with his sword. _Wait... Where's my sword? _Link thought, and looked around everywhere. He couldn't find it! Link just shrugged. He didn't really need it. He only needed his gun. He looked inside his pack and screamed. It wasn't there. He started to panic and throw things over, desperately looking for it.

"You're not going to find it, y'know?" He heard a voice say. He was so surprised by it he flipped over and landed in the water below.

"Ha! That was priceless!...You still haven't figured it out? Check your pockets." He got back to shore then did as the voice said. It was a blue, shimmering stone that was attatched to a string.

A voice emanated from the stone, saying, "It's me, Tetra. Listen, your sword landed on a balcony on the top floor of the fortress. Your gun is there too. Which means your unarmed." Link was about to scream, but then Tetra continued saying, "But don't worry! There is a better weapon than the gun and the sword combined! Go up the steps." Link stood still for a moment thinking what could be greater than the gun, but shrugged and walked up the steps. At the top, he found the body of one the Protagonist's party members.

"Take his weapon. It's the Bladegun." Link took the strange weapon from the body's hand and took a shot at a barrel. Link smiled and slashed at another barrel. It was a revolver with a gun barrel of a sword. He was going to love this weapon. He looked down at the body and was about to loot the rest of the guy's stuff until Tetra said,

"He's not dead. Just knocked out. You're already in trouble for stealing his weapon. If he finds the rest of his stuff gone, he's going to kick your-"

Link just shrugged and said, "I'll fight him when the time comes. Just in case..." He reloaded the gun with ammo from the Desert Eagle (He was pretty sure the bullets were the same) and pointed the gun at the body. Just as he was about to unleash hell on him, a light shined on him and then an alarm went off. Damn. They spotted him. He just laughed and got ready for an insane gunfight, but suddenly found himself in jail. What the hell? He never even saw anyone. He just shrugged and looked for a way out. Like in every game he ever played, when the main character is sent to prison, there is a way out. Always.

Not this time.

3 hours after he first entered the room and he was still looking for a hole to crawl through or a guard to open the door and kill. Strangely, even though he was sent to jail, he still had his weapon. He became desperate and hungry, and started to bang on the door. He stood still for a moment lost in thought, then took a step back. He drew the Bladegun and pointed it at the door, right before saying,

"Eat lead, mother-" He was going to finish the rest, then realized it was useless talking to a door, so he just unleashed hell on it. He fired around 5 clips. Thank Din for a fully-automatic switch. He was about to fire more, but the door just opened. It was already unlocked.

He was about to scream, but didn't want to be caught again, so he just kept moving.

After many, many detours, being caught 3 more times, stabbing people who worked the spotlights and sneaking past moblins with a barrel, he finally reached the second floor. He moved extra quietly. He didn't want to do all that all over again if he got caught. He walked up the steps and saw a moblin guard. He snuck up behind it and slit its throat. He searched his pockets, but didn't find anything useful, so he took his pockets. And the pants holding the pockets.

He continued up higher and saw a door entering a building. He could enter the door, or he could sidle against a wall to cross a narrow pathway with a 70 chance of breaking his neck if he fell. Obviously, he chose to enter the door.

It was the worst decision he ever made.

As soon as he entered the room he could feel an evil presence. The room was completely dark, the only light coming from a candle on a wooden table in what was probably the middle of the room. Link couldn't tell, because it was so dark that he couldn't see the walls. He walked over to the candle because it was the only thing he could see and picked it up. Suddenly, a floating candle lit up a few meters in front of him. It moved side to side, and Link slowly approached it, candle in hand. It then dissappeared and he suddenly heard giggling. It sounded rather high-pitched, but it was definitely not human. Link froze, and then drew his weapon. He cautiously looked around, but then his candle suddenly went out. He was compeletely lost in pitch darkness. The giggling continued, and now it seemed as if there were two people giggling, then three, then a lot more. He fired a few random shots, but they just pierced the wall. Light from the moon poured in from the bullet holes, and then Link unloaded an entire clip into the wall. Link calmed. _Good._ Link thought, reloading. _I can see._ He turned around, and he would forever wish he didn't.

Normally, I would explain what the room looked like with light, but due to fear that I would have to change this to a Mature rating, I won't. It was just that crooked. Nevertheless, I'll explain what about the things that were giggling.

Link turned, and froze from fear and taking in all he saw in this room. He snapped out from fear and looked at his opponents, which he then once again froze from fear. Standing in front of him were 2 imp creatures similar to the W Imps, but they were dressed in complete black bondage gear, one of them wearing a black leather mask.

"We are the G Imps. Do you want to play a game?" The masked G Imp said, giggling maniacally. He pulled a cat-o-nine-tails whip and the other unmasked G Imp pulled out a ball gag.

"No, I really don't." Link said, backing away. He doubted this would end well if it ended in a battle. The G Imps continued to giggle and approach him, then striked.

The unmasked imp charged at him, and gagged him with its ball gag. It was much worse than the time Aryll gagged him with a spoon. The imp threw him to the ground. The masked imp walked over with its cat-o-nine-tails and whipped him with at least five of them. Link cried out in pain and jumped back to his feet. He dropkicked the unmasked imp knocking it to the floor. He got up and tackled the masked imp. He wasn't going to die by the evil hands of these insane imps. He stabbed the unmasked imp when it was on the floor. It cried out in pain and then burst into a cloud of smoke. He turned to face the masked G Imp, but another unmasked imp fell from the ceiling. It turned to Link and giggled. He didn't know what he hated more. The room or the giggling. The new unmasked imp drew a riding crop and cropped him in the leg. He fell to the floor which prompted the masked G imp to whip him. He cried in pain, and got to his feet. He aimed the bladegun and unleashed hell on the second G Imp. He fired a few shots and the G imp fell to the floor and died. Wait. Where was the first G Imp? He heard the roar of an engine and turned to see the masked G imp on a motorcycle. Oh wait, it's a chopper. He ran over Link several times until he felt like a thoroughly crashed Honda. Link tried to get up, but every limb in his body screamed at him to stop. His vision began to blur, then his life flashed. Again. _I'm not dying.._. Link thought. _So close... _He slumped and was about to close his eyes then something fell out of his pack. A shining feather. it landed on him, and he suddenly felt rejuvinated. He got up and turned to the G Imp. He fired off a few clips and the G imp fell, defeated. He stood, triumphant, but then heard giggling. He froze, then turned to his new hole and broke out into a sprint. He didn't have anymore of those feather things.

He continued along and saw an armed W Imp, but more importantly, his gun and sword! He cheered, and walked over. He picked up his sword and gun, pleased that they weren't broken.

Meanwhile, the W Imp jumped up and down, screaming, "C'mon! Fight me!" Link didn't even look up. He could completely slaughter the W Imp. The W Imp turned red from anger then yelled, "That's it! I'm tired of being a W Imp!" At this, Link looked up and gasped. The W Imp reached in it's pack and pulled out a needle with a yellow label. Steroids. It injected into itself. Oh boy.

He slammed Link in the mouth with its newly-enlarged arms, a 98-pound weakling no more. The enemy was now green and massive, with his shirt missing and his purple pants ripped. Link fell over, then regained control. Damn. This guy was ripped. He drew his Desert Eagle and the Bladegun and fired both of them at the W Imp. Well, it's not technically not a W Imp anymore. The Imp showed off his massive chest, which completely deflected the bullets. Link gasped and drew his sword. He tried to stab it though it's chest, but just shattered. Link staggered, wondering how to kill it. The W Imp laughed and raised a fist to attack, but then suddenly returned to normal.

Link stretched his cap, trying to dry it of blood. Augh. The remains of the W Imp was everywhere. After thoroughly cleaning his outfit, he entered the building. The room appeared to be a tower, with many stairways leading high above. In the corner, was a jail with his goal. Aryll. He walked over and saw Aryll look up. Aryll was surprised when she saw him. More shocked, really. He walked up to the door of the jail, then held out his hand and pointed to the door. Aryll looked at the money, then his hand. She drew her shotgun instead, and pointed it at him, gesturing him to open the door. Link smirked and drew the Bladegun and gestrued her to give him the cash. A stalemate. They stood there for what seemed to be an eternity, not letting go of their intense gazes. He then heard a screech, making Link turn around by force of habit. A giant bird landed near them. The same one that kidnapped Aryll. And his money.

Before Link could react at all, the bird picked him up with its beak. Link struggled to get free, but he didn't have a high enough Agility stat. As the bird flew away from the top of the tower, he could hear Aryll's mocking laughter. How embarassing.

The bird flew for a while then hovered near the top of the Not-Really Forsaken Fortress. Nothing could have ever prepared him for how evilly seductive the character he saw there was. He saw a dark, cloaked, obviously feminine figure giggling erotically.

Once again, due to fear of M-Rating, I cannot explain what the character looked like. Really.

After Link was scarred for life again, the bird threw him, making him sail through the air. _Damn...So close..._ Link thought as he lost consciousness.

To be continued...

Parody List

Protagonist: Cloud and other heroes

Light Show: Limit Attack, which is over-animated

Slow Motion Shot: Matrix. Duh.

Shining Feathers: Phoenix Down

Fish Gills: Gil, the currency of Final Fantasy

Waterga: Square Enix the villain from Decline of Video Gaming

Black Mage: Vivi

White Mage: Aeris (I think)

Steroid W Imp: Hulk

Bladegun: Gunblade


End file.
